**4. Real self and false self**

The individual grows up and evolves influenced by his genetic characteristics and by the events that he has experienced during his life, in various contexts in which he lives; perceptions that the individual harvested from his experiences form his own inner world. When reality reaches awareness (and is psychologically represented), it substantiates the perceptions set that represent individual experiences; we must therefore focus that the human being does not react to reality as it is, but he reacts to his own perception of reality itself: therefore, each person can develop a different perception of a specific situation, and in general of the surrounding world, this process is also based on the concept that a person has of himself. At the development beginning, the child recognizes a part of his own experience as "me", "I", "myself": this is the first part of "self "; therefore emerges the awareness of existing: the set of perceptions relating to oneself, which influence the perception of the surrounding reality. The set of meanings that the child attributes to what he calls "me" or "I" constitutes " the self core", which continues to develop during human growth. The self is a conceptual, organized and coherent perception configuration of personal characteristics: it is a fundamental personality structure, and it is very complex [7]. In summary, term self refers to the whole person as a reality, including his body and his psychic organization [7]. It may also be observed that one of the first and most important experiences that a child has of the self is the experience of being loved by his parents; as a matter fact, an important variable in the pattern towards self-realization is precisely the need to receive positive consideration by others: this is a particularly strong desire of the infant, who expects that the people who take care of him are ready to love it and accept him. Parents positive consideration can be, however, "unconditioned" or " conditioned ", but what do we mean with these terms? In the first case the child is fully accepted as a person, regardless his behaviors, in the second case, child is welcomed and accepted only if he adapts to the parents expectations: "value conditions" are therefore set. Basically, the child feels to be considered and loved only if he welcomes certain parents'

#### *The Real Self and the Ideal Self DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.98194*

needs; we also must specify that, according Alfred Adler, the feeling to be inferior is an experience that has its origins in infancy: the children feel inferior, because they are always surrounded by more powerful individuals (adults). The child then is very influenced by adults, and usually try to emulate them because he is motivated by the social environment that drives him to achieve some results [8]. How can we contextualize this situation today? The subjectivity affirmation, a last century conquest which appears to be historically consolidated, is perhaps not really guaranteed today as regards the possibilities of individual development. Today attitudes towards offspring appear to be diverse and complex. According to some authors, children today are often objects of emotional consumption [9, 10], because they can satisfy the parents needs (who can therefore set more often than in the past "value conditions" for the child acceptance: "you have to behave in this way to be loved"); as a matter of fact, it is not infrequent parents pour their unprocessed emotional needs both in the couple relationship and on the offspring, and they express also their existential problems in the relationship with their sons: when you feel you have not been able to give meaning to your life, then you try to reach one by dedicating yourself voraciously to your children [9, 10]. According to other authors, however, today children are also often valued as owner of rights and needs and as the family affectivity fulcrum [10]. We can ask ourselves if perhaps children today are often the protagonists of a family affectivity based not infrequently on emotional consumerism (and therefore, implicitly, on "value conditions")? Consumer goods meet the desires, and even a child can satisfy many specific aspirations: he metaphorically opens the door to the "joys of parenting, " which nothing else can provide, and many parents expect an emotional satisfaction that justifies this expensive investment [10, 11]. As a matter of fact, often parents have high expectations towards the children: the offspring is therefore invested with vital expectations for parents 'self-esteem, and the child is therefore often aware of always being judged, and can internalize the continuous judgment his own [12]. Parents can manifest narcissistic needs towards children, and they can create the conditions for the institution of the children inability to distinguish between their real feelings and the efforts to please or d impress others. The ambiguous message of being appreciated, but only in the particular role that they play, can let the children believe that if their real feelings are discovered, they will be rejected and humiliated. Thus, the creation of the "false self" of which Winnicott wrote can therefore be stimulated [13]: only those aspects which are considered acceptable are shown to others, according to what has been learned in the primary infant experiences [14]. When the child experiences a "conditioned" positive consideration in the relationship with his parents, he will therefore tend to behave in a way that neglects his true nature, in order not to lose respect and love. When his experiences are in contrast with the "value conditions" set by the parents, the child will perceive a discrepancy between the real self and external the experience. He will then use his own defense mechanisms, but he will no longer feel really himself, he will find difficult to recognize himself, maybe he will experience a state of inauthenticity, and this leads to an alienation state [1–12, 15].
