**-Lived a slack life during the day and thought seriously during the night; scolded myself saying, "Are you even human? Isn't it normal not to remain alive?"**

6) I had two selves: during the day I would slack off and live carelessly in the moment, but at night I would think very seriously. One of my selves scolded the other: "I lived another day even though I have no purpose. What are you even thinking about? Are you even human? Isn't the truth that humans can't stay alive?"

#### **-Even dogs and cats can fend for themselves, but living off of handouts from others does not feel like being alive**

7) "Even dogs and cats can find their own food to eat." I was in the position of being given my rations, which I ate even while complaining about the taste. I was just living off of handouts from others. I had absolutely no initiative to keep myself alive.

## **-Going back and forth between life and death; might commit suicide tomorrow**

At night, I could not stop thinking about death, and I went back and forth between truly wanting to live and wishing to die. This continued for how long? About 10 years—no, for 20 years…

I would just keep thinking, 8) "Maybe tomorrow I will say goodbye to this world." I only thought this, however, and never took any action; I could not have anyhow.

#### **2) Knew what kind of future the patients would have; came to the sanatorium as if running away**

### **-Understood the kind of future Hansen's disease-affected individuals have; left school thinking it would be a problem if others found out**

When I returned from the university hospital, I understood to a certain extent what kind of future was in store for people with this disease. After leaving school, everything was just completely dull and uninteresting. I quit school in my second semester of 11th grade. I left thinking, "Ah, this is no good at all. I can't let people find out."

**263**

like this."

**become independent**

*Spirituality and Hansen's Disease: Spirituality' Conceptual Structure and Hansen's Disease...*

**rumors among my school friends, but they thought it best to leave me alone** I disappeared suddenly. This is because I felt I could not just tell my classmates upfront that these were the reasons I had for leaving school and them. I heard about the location of this sanatorium and asked them to come and meet me at a rendezvous point at the top of a mountain. I really felt like I was running to the sanatorium

to hide. I suddenly stopped showing up to school, and so there were rumors.

They said, "If that's the case we shouldn't look for him," and left it at that. **-When I returned from the university hospital, I was slovenly and did not** 

Even before I quit school, 9) when I returned from the Kyoto University Hospital, I really had no inclination to do anything and was careless about everything. It was a tough time for me then and for the next 20 years or so. At night,

Thinking back after all this time has passed, I lived my daily life in a spaced-out way, so that I cannot remember how I felt when I first got sick. 10) My inner conflict at that time caused me to worry day in and day out. Going back and forth between

**3) Suicide of fellow resident—I can callously live in a place like this because I** 

**-Suicide of resident; rumored to be due to his younger sister's broken engage-**

There were three people about my age who hanged themselves. At the time, I

**-He had a normal mind so he killed himself; I have an abnormal mind so I** 

12) Around the time when I arrived, there were a number of older people who hanged themselves on a pine tree. I thought, "Ah, that one has a normal mind." I'm still alive here, having gotten this illness and having to live out my life in this small space, and I cannot see suicide as the answer. I simply cannot. I felt that, since there is an abnormality in my mind somewhere, I can keep living callously even in a place

**-I was full of enthusiasm for a future in which I would have nothing else to ask of my parents if they let me graduate from college, after which I would** 

This is a subject I am most emotional about. I contracted the disease at the end

If my parents let me get through college, I would ask nothing else of them. I believed this from an early age. In the old educational system, after graduating from junior high school, the next step was college. I felt that if my parents put me through college, after that I would become independent. Kids nowadays become high school

age as I was when I came here. His younger sister was to be married, but it was said the engagement was broken off when the groom's family found out about his disease. 11) People said, "He died because he was bitter about the broken engagement," but it was not that simple. He really did it because of his despair about his life and abandonment of hope. After all, I was the same way—always despairing. I think

One person got sick while attending T High School and so was around the same

"What happened? He hasn't been here at all lately."

**feel like doing anything; this was the bitterest time of my life**

whether I was awake or asleep and dreaming, I thought about this.

**-Went back and forth between living and dying**

**ment, but it was actually because he despaired his life**

that is why I cannot recall what was going on with me back then.

**4) I became sick when I was full of enthusiasm for the future**

life and death probably refers to times like that.

**could callously live in a place like this**

of 9th grade.13) I was just so full of enthusiasm.

**-Contacted the sanatorium myself; came as if running and hiding; there were** 

*DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.92735*

"I heard he quit."

**have an abnormal mind**

wondered if it was real.

"I heard he was quarantined."
