**-Contacted the sanatorium myself; came as if running and hiding; there were rumors among my school friends, but they thought it best to leave me alone**

I disappeared suddenly. This is because I felt I could not just tell my classmates upfront that these were the reasons I had for leaving school and them. I heard about the location of this sanatorium and asked them to come and meet me at a rendezvous point at the top of a mountain. I really felt like I was running to the sanatorium to hide. I suddenly stopped showing up to school, and so there were rumors.

"What happened? He hasn't been here at all lately."

"I heard he quit."

*Quality of Life - Biopsychosocial Perspectives*

much about being told what to do.

**1) My life was over; thought about death**

**-My life was over, and I could only keep breathing**

**2. Troubled times**

your thoughts on this?

myself this question.

**others does not feel like being alive**

About 10 years—no, for 20 years…

**remain alive?"**

myself alive.

**tomorrow**

have anyhow.

**rium as if running away**

easily, either.

I had a bad reputation. People would say, "He's young and energetic but he doesn't do work like the others and instead pushes around his elders." People thought so badly of me they would chew me out, but I did not care too much about that. Since I was living a hopeless life after coming here anyway, I did not worry

Listener: After discovering that you were sick and before you formed the resolve to come to the sanatorium, I believe you had significant internal conflicts. What are

**-Death was constantly in the back of my mind; I asked myself why I was alive** 3) But about death… I constantly had the idea of death in the back of my mind. When I came to the sanatorium there were 11 of us in a 24-mat size room (about 40 square meters). 4) I could only be free during bedtime, so when night fell, I would lay out my sleeping area, get inside, and think about why I was alive until I fell asleep. 5) I always thought long and hard about that, even though it was troublesome, since I did not have any goals or hope for being alive. I could not help asking

**-Lived a slack life during the day and thought seriously during the night; scolded myself saying, "Are you even human? Isn't it normal not to** 

6) I had two selves: during the day I would slack off and live carelessly in the moment, but at night I would think very seriously. One of my selves scolded the other: "I lived another day even though I have no purpose. What are you even thinking about? Are you even human? Isn't the truth that humans can't stay alive?"

**-Even dogs and cats can fend for themselves, but living off of handouts from** 

7) "Even dogs and cats can find their own food to eat." I was in the position of being given my rations, which I ate even while complaining about the taste. I was just living off of handouts from others. I had absolutely no initiative to keep

**-Going back and forth between life and death; might commit suicide** 

At night, I could not stop thinking about death, and I went back and forth between truly wanting to live and wishing to die. This continued for how long?

I would just keep thinking, 8) "Maybe tomorrow I will say goodbye to this world." I only thought this, however, and never took any action; I could not

**2) Knew what kind of future the patients would have; came to the sanato-**

**-Understood the kind of future Hansen's disease-affected individuals have;** 

When I returned from the university hospital, I understood to a certain extent what kind of future was in store for people with this disease. After leaving school, everything was just completely dull and uninteresting. I quit school in my second semester of 11th grade. I left thinking, "Ah, this is no good at all. I can't let people

**left school thinking it would be a problem if others found out**

Yamamoto: Yes, I thought, "1) My life is over. I'll just let the cards fall where they may. The only thing left for me is to keep breathing. 2) If I find myself going in too dire of straits, I should just end it all right there." But I wasn't able to die that

**262**

find out."

"I heard he was quarantined."

They said, "If that's the case we shouldn't look for him," and left it at that.
