**-There were no elderly people; life ends in our 50s, and what's more I could not have hopes for life; became desperate and nihilistic**

I was told by my parents too that if I came here, I would be isolated and be forced into a poor, destitute lifestyle, but 17) when I actually arrived, there were no elderly people. I got the sense that life ended for patients at around 50 years of age.

As for my own future, I increasingly thought, "Life itself is not so long." This encouraged in me the idea that I should not have any hopes for the future. "Whatever I do, nothing will come of it." As a result, my life became desperate and my feelings became nihilistic. To do anything was to do it in vain.

## **9) Forgetting was the greatest weapon to survival and the insight that eased suffering**

#### **-Greatest weapon was to forget**

*Quality of Life - Biopsychosocial Perspectives*

**was saddened when I compared myself to them**

**late out of the gates in starting my life**

too late out of the gates to start my life."

sidestep into the private sector.

**could not overcome**

or whatever all went out the window in 10th grade.

forced to give that up. How did you get over that? Yamamoto: 16) I did not get over it.

unexpected miracle will take me by surprise."

wasn't only 10 years that I lived a tiresome life, but nearer to 20.

**on their own**

**a doctor**

like a teacher?

students and do not even think about what they what to be in the future. I think that's much too indulgent, and it's because they have too many material things.

**5) Became saddened by comparing myself to classmates who were setting out** 

**-The academic advancement and job placement of my classmates vexed me; I** 

**6) Even if, by some miracle, I could leave the sanatorium, I would already be** 

But still, all I could think about were passive, backward-looking thoughts like, "By this point even if there is a miracle and I can leave the sanatorium, I'm already

Listener: When you were studying, did you know what you wanted to become,

Yamamoto: I would pass on teaching, although I think that if I did become one I would cultivate good students, since I have knowledge of both positive and negative things students might do; this is because when I was in junior high and high school,

When I took the entrance exams and matriculated at the old style junior high school, I had already decided which university I would go to. I told my parents that if they put me through college, I would ask them for nothing more. If they would only put me through college, I could blaze my own path myself from then on.

I wanted to be an employee at a first-rate trading company or a public servant at the national level. I'm small in stature so I was often very calculating and in planning to first become a public servant (even though I did not know which office I would want to work in), work my way up the ladder to a certain extent and then

What my parents told me most often—and what I thought perhaps I should do—was to become a doctor. If you become a doctor you never have to go hungry, so my parents told me to become a doctor. At any rate, all this about becoming a doctor

**-I was crushed more by hopelessness than having to give up my academic advancement; it was the bitterness of my hopes and dreams being cut off that I** 

Listener: You were thinking about your academic advancement, and you were

Giving up on academic advancement was secondary. More than that, getting sick put me in the position of feeling hopeless about life. Being quarantined and never being able to leave meant that I had to be prepared to give up all the hopes and dreams that I had conjured up by that point, of which academic progress was one part. That is why coming here crushed me so. I did not feel like doing anything at all.

15) I had useless thoughts like, "If I endure and work hard, I wonder what

**7) Crushed by the despair of having all my hopes and dreams cut off -I wanted to be a trading company employee, a federal public servant, or** 

I did 'bad' things for the thrill of it, half out of mischief and half for fun.

14) I would also think about things that could not be helped, like "I wonder which of my classmates went to college. I wonder which school they went to. I wonder what they've become now that they've graduated." I thought about such things whenever the time came for such events to occur. I did get a certain amount of information from my little sister, which made me feel especially wretched. If I was asked "well what are you then," I was just languishing in the sanatorium. So, it

**264**

18) Bit by bit, thoughts like that started to fade or be forgotten. I thought, "The greatest weapon we have as humans is the ability to forget," and felt strongly that if I cannot forget this then I'll definitely hit a dead end, which would be intolerable.

## **-After about 20 years, the troubles faded and have now passed by**

19) After about 20 years, those kinds of troubles suddenly started to fade. Now I'm pretty old. While I was lying there by myself, I never once imagined this would happen. Now, I do not think that way at all. Things like that have gone away. I've forgotten them.
