**3. Findings**

Analysis of the interviews led to four central themes that demonstrate the difficulties that parents of children with LD or ADHD encounter. These themes include disappointment, lack of organized information about the children's disabilities, coping mechanisms, and worrying about the child's future.

#### **3.1 Theme 1: disappointment**

*"She began to feel that something is wrong with her son… but he couldn't possibly have a problem – he seems so smart… She started looking at him differently, she began analyzing him. She felt herself pulling away from him. She found it difficult to be near him… he looked so different" ([40], p. 114).*

Most of the participants (12 out of 14) discussed feelings of disappointment due to the gap between their own expectations or those of their parent's and the reality that they or their child has difficulties. A.M. (mother of a 6th-grade son with dysgraphia and ADHD), for example, explains: "Parents always expect their children to be perfect. Their child's success is their success. When I found out that my child is not perfect, that he has difficulties, I felt like I was a failure! What disappointment. I had invested so much, and all for nothing."

Similarly, B.B. (father of 10th-grade daughter with verbal learning disabilities and ADHD) says: "Raising a child with LD, and especially with ADHD, is extremely difficult. I was overcome by feelings of disappointment. I felt that I had not fulfilled my role of giving birth to a successful child! As soon as my boy was born, I imagined him growing up to be the best student at school, an outstanding student, and later – and engineer, doctor, or lawyer. When I received the results of his assessment, I felt sad, I felt that I couldn't cope. Only someone who has gone through this can understand what I felt."

These examples demonstrate the gap between the desired and reality that renders the parents feeling disappointed and sad. R.S. (father of a 5th-grade daughter with verbal learning disabilities) talks of a similar experience: "The main difficulty is seeing that my daughter has a disability. Parents expect their children to be the best, the smartest. They don't expect them to have difficulties."

H. (male student at a pre-academic center) also talks about his parents' disappointment in him: "I know that I really let my parents down. Many times, they thought I was at school, but I was actually at the youth movement. At a certain point, they just accepted it and decided not to battle with me on this. My older brother told me that a youth group is just as important as school, and that I could always complete my studies later."

Y.1 (female BSc graduate) also speaks of similar feelings: "My parents are old school. They're not familiar with ADHD. From their point-of-view, if I didn't succeed, it was because I hadn't worked hard enough. When they realized that my difficulties were in fact real, they began treating me differently, with much more patience."

S.R. (mother of a 7th-grade son with dyslexia and ADHD) talks about self-blame. "As a mother, I was very concerned about my son. I tried to help him, but he kept on getting low grades. Emotionally, this was very hard for me. I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong and what was wrong with him?!"

#### **3.2 Theme 2: lack of professional and organized information**

The second theme that was found in this study relates to the parents' lack of organized information regarding LD and ADHD. Most of the interviewees, both parents and young adults, talked about the parents not being able to provide their children with the necessary assistance because of their lack of knowledge. *"Years later, she told me that if she had known and understood what she knows today, everything would have been different. At least she wouldn't have blamed herself. It took her years to come to terms*  *How Frustrating It Can Be? Raising up a Child with Learning Disabilities DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.112293*

*with the fact that her son had difficulties and let go of her feelings of guilt at not being able to assist him"* ([40], p. 50).

The interviewees indicated that they had become self-educated about LD and ADHD as they did not receive professional information (from the school or other frameworks) in an organized fashion, but rather collected information in a disorganized and individual manner. S.A. (Mother of 6th-grade son with dyscalculia) describes how she obtained information thanks to her being an educator: "As a kindergarten teacher, I learned about the term LD."

A.S. (Mother of a 9th-grade daughter with dyslexia, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia) expresses similar claims. "Yes, sure, my husband is an educator himself. At work, he often meets children who have been diagnosed. That's how I got my information."

S.A. adds: "I know a lot of parents who aren't familiar with the terms LD and ADHD and don't even know that they're entitled to receiving assistance and inclusion committees… That's why some children don't receive all the help they need – because their parents aren't aware. I feel sorry for parents who don't know."

A.M. describes the need for organized information: "I would have wanted someone to organize a workshop for parents and teachers to increase our awareness and knowledge. I am coping quite well but other families I know are not. One father won't stop telling his son that he's worthless. That really annoys me. But the father doesn't understand his son's disability. That's why the school needs to give talks and workshops."

A.S. adds: "I would be happy to participate in a workshop for parents and children where an experiences professional explains what LD really means and how it can be deals with. My husband is a schoolteacher, so he knows what LD is, but what about all those parents who don't know any other children with LD, or their parents? They call their children lazy and unmotivated, and compare them to other children their age. I think this is very cruel and should be dealt with immediately."

#### **3.3 Theme 3: coping mechanisms**

The third theme identified in this study refers to the parents' coping mechanisms. The young interviewees who have LD or ADHD discussed their learning and behavioral difficulties at school. For example, T. (a 26-year-old female student at a preacademic center) talks about her experience at school. "When I was in the 7th-grade, I started misbehaving because it was hard for me to learn. This was very difficult for my parents. I usually lost all concentration – especially later in the day. But my teacher would just think that I was misbehaving. That made me even more frustrated. I felt that I was working hard but could not get good grades. In some cases, I couldn't even get a passing grade."

Y. explains: "During my first years at school, I had trouble concentrating at school. I really suffered because of this, and often arrived home after school in tears. It took me ages to understand my schoolwork – much longer than my peers. And my teachers didn't identify my difficulty. I was kind of transparent". As Y has attention deficit disorder (ADD) but is not hyperactive, identify her difficulties is more difficult. "Everyone just thought that school was hard for me. I am slower than everyone else and things take me a long time. I was very anxious about failing but I tried to hide it."

S. (female college student) also explains: "It took me much longer to comprehend things. When I was young, I used to bounce my leg all the time. It was a nervous habit. I couldn't focus on one single task. There were always loads of distractions around me. At one point, when I was diagnosed by a psychologist. I also went to a psychiatrist and started taking Ritalin".

Y.1 describes: "You always feel terribly inadequate when you make an effort and try so much harder than your friends but still don't succeed… I hated going to school. I would pretend to be sick every single morning."

In his interview, H. describes: "I was a very hyperactive child, I had to be doing things all the time. Sitting in the classroom and listening was intolerable for me. I found it very difficult to accept boundaries and authority from adults – whether I knew them or not."

The parents also discuss their difficulty dealing with the schools' requirements. Analysis of the interviews depicts the parents' criticism of the demands that the schools place on their children. Many describe the over-importance that the school places on grades, whereby these children are evaluated based on their grades alone—a measurement that does not convey their true academic capabilities and potential. The parents emphasize the importance of introducing alternative methods of evaluation other than grades that may contribute to their children's self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-perception.

In her interview, S.A. explains: "I used to ask the school not to hand out the report cards in front of all the students and parents, so that I wouldn't have to explain to everyone why my son has such low grades." A.S. also expresses this frustration, saying "Schools need to understand that grades do not convey success in life and that we don't judge our children solely based on their grades!!! This educational approach should be changed!"

As A.M. explains: "The schools' requires certain grades and lots of homework. This makes it difficult for me. I can't tell my son that if he wants high grades then he needs to work hard before an exam, because even if he does, it won't make a difference if he can't understand the questions on the exam itself. In some exams, he misreads the questions. There's no way he can get an 80. The whole issue of grades should be changed – significantly and immediately. Children should not only be evaluated by their grades – not at school and not in their later lives. This only leads to disappointment and makes it even harder for these children to cope at school."

A.Z. also discusses this aspect: "It's really important to let children with learning disabilities know that grades are only secondary. They don't have low grades because they're lazy or don't work hard. The education system places great emphasis on grades and categorizes our children accordingly. I don't think this is a good method because some children have difficulties in some areas but thrive in others. That's why you shouldn't compare between children based on their grades. Compare between their upbringing or ethics… More significant things."

An additional issue raised by parents in this study is the lack of awareness among teachers regarding learning disabilities and related coping methods—making studying at school harder for both the children and their parents. As B.B. describes: "In my opinion, awareness is the name of the game. I've come across many teachers who are familiar with the term 'learning disability' but don't really know what it means. They think that if these children are given certain accommodations, then they will get 90 or 100 in an exam. Nothing could be farther from the truth! In my opinion, awareness is most important. Teachers need to really know what having a learning disability means. On YouTube, there's a workshop given by a doctor in the United States, where he shows the teachers what it really feels like to have a learning disability. That is so important. Children with learning disabilities are not lazy! You need to understand that!"

S.A. adds: "I have learned that not all teachers understand that learning disabilities are neurological. They cannot be cured. Teachers should be educated about this – to spare our children anguish and distress in class and at school."

#### *How Frustrating It Can Be? Raising up a Child with Learning Disabilities DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.112293*

On the other hand, some parents state that their child's school is very supportive of their children, providing the necessary accommodations and explanations, and enabling parental involvement and cooperation as a supportive foundation for the student.

S.A. explains: "At school, my son is given accommodations during exams. In some mathematics lesson he even has a private tutor who helps him… The teacher doesn't get angry with him anymore during class because she understands. If he becomes distracted, she tries to get his attention. The school helps my child and knows how to include him in the lessons despite his difficulties."

This theme was also seen in A.S.'s interview where she explains how the school counselor includes the parents, is supportive, listens, and assists the family as a whole: "The school helps us. The counselor lets us know how our child is doing, they monitor her progress throughout the school year, and that is really helpful. They are so supportive, they always listen to us and help us" (A.S.)

A.M. describes how "The counselor explained exactly what our son is entitled to, based on his assessment. Before every exam, his teacher contacts me to explain exactly what material will be in the exam. I really appreciate this. She doesn't have to make this effort. At the end of each term, the teacher and I meet in person to discuss my son's progress and current difficulties. I think that now that people are more aware of learning disabilities, most teachers treat such students with more patience and respect."

#### **3.4 Theme 4: worrying about the child's future**

It seems that most of all, parents have difficulty understanding, accepting, and helping their children with their educational, social, and emotional difficulties. Both parents and children with learning disabilities or ADHD feel frustrated. In her interview Y. (female student at a pre-academic center) discusses the difficulties that she and her parents encountered during her years at school. "There were times when I wouldn't go out with my friends because I would come home feeling unable to be part of a group. When I did go out with friends, I would come home and hide in my room. I hated going to school. Every morning I would pretend to be sick. Until one day my mum suggested that I invite friends over to our home, where I feel more at ease. That really helped."

S.A. explains: "I might send my son to the store to buy some items, and he'll only remember to buy half of them. He even has a hard time playing certain games with his siblings. As a mother, that's hard for me to see – knowing that your child has a disability, but you can't do anything about it. I try to support him emotionally so that he doesn't feel inadequate in other areas of his life."

H. discusses his adolescence in light of his father's difficulty accepting his learning difficulties. "My father would punish me if I didn't go to school and sometimes he wouldn't let me go to the Scouts. That made me angry. We used to fight so much. I felt that he really didn't understand me. My older siblings, for example, went skiing overseas every year, but my father wouldn't let me go with this them because I was unruly. I was angry at him for many years. I felt that he didn't accept me or my difficulty."

Additional input describes the parent's indecision about how to respond to their children's behavior. S.R. explains: "I don't know how to talk to him or teach him. I always confer with my husband about this and we read a lot of articles on the subject. When we received our child's assessment, the assessor told us that no matter which method we employ, nothing will work because our son has dyslexia and dyscalculia. So we are very sensitive about this."

The parents in this study also discuss their worrying about their children and the difficulties they will face in the future. The parents also describe their emotional difficulties when they constantly see their child fail, sad, or different. Many parents also express their own emotional difficulty in continuously having to provide encouragement and support. A.S. explains: "My main difficulty is seeing my child feel sad and disappointed because of his academic difficulties and low achievements. I often think about what his future will look like. In today's day and age, higher education is a necessity."

B.B. also describes how difficult it is for her to constantly make her daughter feel worthy and equal: "I'm less worried about her grades than about her self-confidence. I don't want her to ever feel that she is different. That's what matters the most. I want her to have social ties and friends, and never feel ashamed. That's what concerns me the most."

Despite these difficulties, parents who are able to contain and accept their children become a source of inspiration for them, as they deal more productively and more compassionately with their children's difficulties [40]. Y. explains: "Because my father is dyslexic, he could identify with me not wanting to study. He used to say, 'do the best that you can, and you are excellent as you are'."

S. also discusses this aspect: "My parents really listened to me. They would say,

'We will do everything we can to help and support you.' They strengthened me in other ways. I really believe that I would not have finished high school without them. If it was up to me, I would have dropped out a long time ago. But they were so insistent. And no matter how angry I was with them at the time – I am so grateful to them today. Thankful that they insisted on me not giving up. Looking back, I can honestly say that my parents were a real support system for me. I'm sure that I did not make life easy for them at the time."

In another interview, H. adds: "It was really important for my parents that I succeed at school. When they saw how difficult this was for me, they realized that I must have some sort of problem and immediately took me to be assessed. I always felt that I could tell my mum anything. She was so accepting of me. She always listened to me and never judged me. That gave me a huge feeling of security growing up. I was always happy with my choices, even if they weren't the obvious ones."

Following stages of understanding and acceptance, some parents help their children cope with their LD or ADHD in a number of ways. For example, therapy for the child. However, some of the young adults in this study describe this as being ineffective. "I began psychotherapy but it didn't work. I didn't want to go but my parents force me because they thought there was something emotional at the base of my academic difficulties. After a lot of arguments with them, and a lack of understanding, we went together to some meetings with the psychotherapist (T.)"

"One time when I was really young, I told them that I want to go to therapy. I went once, had no idea what the psychologist was talking about, and never went back." (S.)

"They sent me to therapy with animals but I had already made up my mind and I just didn't cooperate." (H.)

Many parents discuss their need to provide their child with **emotional support**, such as listening, containing, and encouraging them. As A.S. explains: "I talk to him a lot and tell him that I didn't study at school either. I once asked him, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' He replied that he wants to be smart like his brother. Since then, I have never compared between them. Different children have different capabilities. I provide him with emotional support. I only know what I know. I'm not a certified therapist. I talk to him and try to encourage him emotionally – so that his disability does not affect other areas of his life. All we do as his parents is encourage him, support him, and help him."

#### *How Frustrating It Can Be? Raising up a Child with Learning Disabilities DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.112293*

In an additional interview, A.M. explains: "As a mother, I know that my child has endless energy. So I just don't get angry with him. I try to convey that his is OK as he is, that he is no different than any other child."

The academic aspect is a significant factor in supporting children with LD and ADHD. The interviews show that this plays a significant role in supporting these children, including helping them with their schoolwork. As A.Z. describes: "Truthfully, my husband helps the children more than I do. He uses all sorts of learning methods and helps them understand the material."

Y. adds: "My mum would sit with me and help me with my homework. From the moment she stopped working, she was there for me and she was aware of what was going on. She would always sit with me because I couldn't sit still for long. After a while, I knew that she really understood me and my difficulties."

Professional support was also discussed by the interviewees. "They sent me to something that gives you tools and methods for learning. There was someone I would meet with, like when you go to a psychologist. I really tried to learn how to learn and organize the material. But because I was relatively older already, I really objected and blocked all types of help. I gave up on myself."

S. describes a similar experience: "I went to a learning center for children with LD and ADHD. There was a coordinator who tried to help me organize the material. After my assessment, I was given lots of accommodations in high school, including extra time and adapted questionnaires on exams. I also had a private teacher. Two in fact. An English teacher who specializes in LD who didn't help me at all, and another teacher who was amazing. She was really professional and she knew exactly what to do to get me to sit and study. She taught me all sorts of learning techniques."

An additional technique expressed in many of the interviews included placing the child in a supportive educational framework. "And then, at the end of the 9th grade, we received a letter from the school that I can't continue at the school and I need to find an alternative. We began to think that perhaps a more accommodating school would be a good option. I moved to a special school full of children with LD and ADHD who don't really want to learn. My parents, especially my dad, couldn't understand why I wasn't continuing at the regular school like everyone else." (T.)

I. (BSc graduate in Computers, with ADHD and LD) explains: "Our mum moved my sister and I to a small private school with less children in each class. She thought that being in a smaller class with less pressure would be good for me. The atmosphere at the new school was really warm and accepting, and I began to feel much better and more successful."

### **4. Discussion and conclusions**

This study analyzes how parents of children with LD and ADHD deal with their children's disability and the school's requirements—from the point of view of parents and students. Analysis of the 12 conducted interviews presents a number of central topics that indicate significant difficulties, including feelings of disappointment, self-accusation, difficulty containing the situation and dealing with their children's difficulties. The parents also found it difficult to deal with the school and with their children's social difficulties.

These findings are in line with previous studies (e.g., [27, 28, 41]) whereby parents of children with LD feel guilt, anger, pressure, shame, disappointment, ambiguity, confusion, and anxiety. Similar to Gilat's findings [28], we also found that parents'

major difficulty stems from their having to deal with the disability and its symptoms on a daily basis, inability to comply with the school's requirements, and difficulty dealing with their children's irregular or disturbing behavior.

Additional topics that were found in this study include how parents deal with their children's disability by providing emotional support, including listening, containment, and encouragement, enhancing their self-confidence, and providing them with tools for dealing with various social situations. This is in line with Alesi et al. [15], who claim that children with difficulties reading or conducting mathematical calculations could develop secondary difficulties regarding their perceptions of their own social and emotional capabilities. Such students perceive themselves as failures compared to their peers. In our study, this aspect was found to be significant for both parents and young adults when dealing with LD or ADHD. As such, some parents place greater emphasis on enhancing their children's perception of self-ability and success than on academic success, and even allocate greater resource for providing their children with emotional support than with academic support.

Neeraja & Anuradha [17] found that parents who create a strong support system that focuses on the children's personal growth as well as on their academic success, provide their children with necessary emotional support and enable them to become more confident in themselves while expressing their strengths. Moreover, professional support often provides these children with tools for dealing with the frustration and challenges that they face.

In almost half of the interviews in this study (5 out of 12), participants report that their schoolteachers and counselors cooperate and helped in order to provide their children with an adaptive learning environment. The parents describe themselves as being highly involved, conducting frequent conversations with the teachers, following up on their children's progress, and ensuring that their children are given the support and adaptations to which they are entitled.

Parents also explain that their involvement is significant and enables them to cooperate with the school for the benefit of their children. This claim is in line with other research findings [26, 33–35, 42] that discuss the importance of the parents' involvement in the school regarding their children with LD or ADHD. In our study, most parents (8 of the 12 interviewees) emphasized the importance of parental involvement in school. This finding is in line with studies that found positive relationships between the parents and the school to significantly contribute to their children's academic, social, and emotional capabilities. This may be because through their involvement, these parents provide their children with the support they need and help the teachers understand and deal with their children's difficulties.

With regard to the parents' perceiving the school as either an obstacle or a beneficial partner, opinions seem to differ. Half the interviewees (6 out of 12) stated that the school provides support for children with LD or ADHD and offers them the accommodations to which they are entitled. However, the other interviewees claimed that the school does not provide the necessary support, instead recommending that these children transfer to other educational frameworks—as the school is not equipped to provide them with the necessary assistance.

With regard to tools and knowledge regarding LD, the findings show that the schools do not usually provide parents with organized and accessible tools and information about LD. Instead, parents acquire subjective and individual knowledge themselves. Some parents mention that while they do have the necessary knowledge, they know others who do not.

#### *How Frustrating It Can Be? Raising up a Child with Learning Disabilities DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.112293*

The participants emphasize the importance of tools for dealing with LD and ADHD, such as treatment, interventions, workshops, partnerships, and fruitful discourse between the school and the parents. These findings emphasize the importance of the school and teachers being knowledgeable and prepared in advanced for including children with LD or ADHD in their mainstream classrooms. Teachers need to be aware of their difficulties and have the skills to teach them within the regular class framework [43]. This is especially difficult in light of the large number of children in classrooms, lack of additional resources and funding, insufficient parental involvement, heavy workloads, lack of necessary aides and facilities, and difficulty employing regular teaching methods [44].

In summary, this study exemplifies the difficulties encountered by parents of children with LD or ADHD and the important role that the school plays in assisting these children. Described from the subjective points-of-view of the parents and young adults with LD or ADDH, our findings present the importance of providing parents with tools and means for dealing with their child's academic difficulties and enabling a fruitful cooperation between parents and schools. The parents in this study also emphasized the importance of social and emotional aspects in their children's lives, and how the school must provide emotional support to enhance the child's selfabilities. The findings of this study also depict the necessary changes in the perception of the teachers' role, while providing them with professional support and tools that will enable them to assist these children. Finally, alternative methods for academic evaluation are needed—ones that do not count solely on grades, as grades pose great difficulty for children with LD and ADHD and for their parents.

While this study provides important insights into the difficulties encountered by parents of children with academic difficulties, this study is limited in the number of participants who were included in the study and their relatively un-homogenous perceptions. However, the diversity among the participants sheds light on this important issue of parental coping. Future research could benefit from examining the experiences of parents from different socioeconomic background or societies, such as Arab and Jewish communities.
