**3. …to the right to experience voluntary disconnection**

We could define experiences of temporary and partial disconnection as experiencing times and spaces stripped of the presence of information and communication technologies and all screens. Provisional in the sense that they are parentheses in a context where the norm of being connected is generally imposed. Partial because limited, that is to say that requests from the outside are not always perfectly blocked, but simply filtered. These experiences can then take different forms that parents are already experimenting with at home: prohibiting smartphones, children and parents alike, during meal times, refusing to introduce screens in a chosen room, using only one connected device for the whole family during the holidays…

When times and spaces are arranged in order to live such experiences, then we can speak of rituals of disconnection. When they occur with the family, then we speak of family rituals of disconnection. The goal here is not for children and teens to simply realize the benefits of spending time without being connected. But above all to make them understand that it is possible, conceivable, achievable and enjoyable to have such experiences. The standard is then readjusted: it is no longer a question of being permanently connected and reachable. The norm is to know how to pass from these times and these connected spaces to times and spaces of disconnection. It is therefore not enough to dwell on what is experienced in such moments. But to emphasize that everyone can possibly escape, if they wish, from this continuity that is imposed on him or her.

Collective initiatives are already numerous in terms of partial and temporary disconnection. The example of the day without a screen is in this sense representative of the efforts being made to make young people aware of the risks of hyperconnection. However, the experiences of temporary disconnection cannot wait until a certain age is reached and one can doubt the effectiveness in the duration of the annual ritual of this very laudable initiative. Temporary and one-off disconnection should no longer be presented to younger generations as an exceptional time in the continuity of a society which most often abandons individuals to the temptation to constantly reconnect. Of course, the right to disconnect at work also testifies to this generalized attention to the problem of hyperconnection and the importance of providing solutions, of supporting individuals in their quest for space and time for respite. But the battle is hardly won because the disconnection in these cases never appears to be obvious to those who lend themselves to the game of the day without a screen or who are imposed disconnection times which in their eyes contravene their way of managing their working time. The disconnection experience must be put to the service of the individual, who can then put it to good use.

The irruption of ICTs in everyday life has shaken up individual existence and many people have been swept away by these cultural and social transformations, which have imposed a different way of living in space and time. We have been victims, and the time has undoubtedly come to help the youngest to once again become actors of this culture in a connected world. Knowing how to arrange times and spaces for disconnection does not mean renouncing the advantages provided by information and communication technologies. Rather, it is to show the youngest that the choice is possible to give up, to delay, to isolate oneself, to cut oneself momentarily in order to breathe and find oneself. So few will be those who will say that there is little benefit in temporarily disconnecting from ICTs. Engage in sports, devote yourself to creation, to observing the world; give back to the present its primacy over the countless possibilities offered by connection, dreaming and, also, being bored. Relearn how to waste time, and understand all that it can bring in. However, there is hardly a magic formula to teach this possibility of disconnection in their life. But no doubt some conditions are imposed on us when we want to participate in depth in the advent of a culture of connection under the sign of a more serene relationship, better control, and which respects the need to find ourselves alone with oneself.

#### **3.1 Believe in the disconnection potential of children and adolescents**

Some adults refuse to believe that this is possible. The observation for them has been made: because they are surrounded by young people whom they see bending over their screens most often, because they have witnessed violent crises on the part of teenagers who have had their phones taken away. Portable or let themselves be impressed by the Japanese phenomenon of Hikikomoris, the hypothesis of a

#### *From Connection to Disconnection for Teens DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.5772/intechopen.99140*

generation that would grow up with the idea of being able to partially and temporarily disconnect seems absurd to them. In fact, the trend towards hyperconnection is paradoxically not opposed to the desire for disconnection. It is even the opposite phenomenon that we have observed for a long time, the first attempts to distance themselves from technological tools having been observed among senior executives after having experienced great discomfort due to a prolonged and forced connection. So we may think that people, including young people, who have experienced this hyperconnection, will be particularly sensitive to the benefits of a partial and temporary disconnection.

The trend towards hyperconnection is therefore not just a juvenile affair. It does not concern, first and foremost, the younger generations. But rather the adults that we are, who have legitimized, with or without pleasure, this society where the norm to be connected now reigns. Thus children and adolescents grow up in labyrinths of which we have built the walls and marked out the routes. Not believing in the disconnection potential of children and adolescents also means believing that the world we have invented for them is taking hold of nature. Whereas on the contrary we live in a context that we have built. Perhaps it is undoubtedly difficult to curb the momentum taken by the development of information and communication technologies. It is undoubtedly complicated, at the individual level, to prevent the great leaders of social networks and telecommunications from further expanding. But it is undoubtedly possible to transform our relationship with this connected world, on a more human scale, ours, that of our families, those around us, in company and for the good of our loved ones.

But to establish times of disconnection as new evidence in the minds of the youngest, it must be understood that the desire for disconnection does indeed exist among them. And that some have even already established in their life these moments of rest, which have become necessary:

*Interviewer: Do you disconnect from your iPhone when you want to be alone? Florian, 18 years old: Ah, yes. It's rare, but it happens to me. When does this happen to you? When I need to be alone. When I want to clear my head, I sometimes talk to no one, yes. Because when I get messages I say to myself "yes that's good, two minutes" and I respond later. And to be alone in these cases, what exactly do you do? When I really want to be alone and isolate it I run a playlist for example, I put my iPhone on silent and I turn it over so I can't see what's going on.*

To allow these good intentions to take the form of good habits, it is undoubtedly necessary to act with children from an early age. Allow them to grow up in contexts where episodes of disconnection are as "normal" as evenings spent watching series and those long drives in the car with their eyes riveted on the screen of a smartphone or tablet.

#### **3.2 Question your own digital practices**

It goes without saying that adhering to rituals of disconnection implies that its participants share their meaning, because the interpretation is often a problem between family members [6]. It is not enough to prohibit the use of screens for children of such and such ages, but to arrange times when the use of ICTs is prohibited for everyone, children and parents. If we make a clear distinction between, on the one hand, children with a limited connection, and, on the other hand, adults who are constantly connecting, we risk to imply in the representations of the youngest

that hyperconnection is indeed a marker of becoming an adult. While it is important to point out that adults are characterized precisely by their ability to manage, to master their use of ICTs by planning disconnection times in their daily lives [7–10].

A ritual of disconnection can only take such a name on the condition that the practices are shared, that the meaning of this experimentation is common and that it leads to a time for "self" or for "us". One of the enemies of the effective ritual of family disconnection is the inconsistency or awkwardness with which they may eventually be presented to the child or adolescent. One of the first rules to follow in this area is to be an example to follow as an adult. For a young person to believe in the benefits of episodes of temporary or partial disconnection, it is still necessary to be able to show him that these benefits are also effective in the lives of older people.

In fact, disconnection rituals do not have to be rigidly imposed to ensure their effectiveness. Take the example of a family legitimately defending meal times. No one around the table brings their smartphone. We even agree to keep them at bay or turn them off. But now a family member, father, mother, young adult or teenager is exceptionally waiting on a weekday evening for an important call. Whatever the reason, flexibility is in order as the establishment of the ritual of disconnection should lead the person concerned to ask permission from the family, and therefore to justify the importance of this call. In this sense, it is not a question of contravening the ritual in place, but, in a way, of reaffirming through an exceptional case the norm that is generally imposed. This is also in line with the primary objective of the disconnection rituals: beyond the immediate benefits (respite from possible solicitations, preservation of time spent together, etc.), it underlines the meaning of this pact that binds the members of the family. It is no longer the pact of connection, which binds each of these family members to distant people in space that disrupts the present. It is the pact of temporary disconnection that prevails in the face of the norm of being permanently connected.

In the example just mentioned, it goes without saying that all requests for exemption from a family member require him to question the meaning of his request, and implicitly to question the degree of urgency of this call and to weigh it against the importance he attaches to family time. Discussing it as a family can allow everyone to express their views on the meaning given by the first concerned, and promote discussion around what it means to be present and available to others. In all cases, an exchange in this context with the members of the family will promote both the reflexivity of the individual having to make a request (whether child or parent) and the participation of others in a situation that concerns them. In a nutshell, it's about reintroducing a little bit of the other into decisions to go on or off which, very often, seem to be established on an individual basis.

To participate in the advent of a new culture, where individuals wishing to protect themselves from temptations in a connected world are supported and encouraged in their quest, it is therefore important first and foremost to question one's own digital practices as than an adult. And on his ability to arrange for himself and for those close to him times and spaces of disconnection. Because nothing will be more problematic than the imposition of meaningless rules for children and adolescents who may then perceive a great inequality, even a form of injustice, in what will be proposed. This does not mean that perfect symmetry should be observed between parents and children when it comes to the use of ICTs. Prohibitions also find their place and meaning here. But that the rituals of disconnection constitute precisely times and spaces where a provisional equality appears between the members of the family in this area. In the name of the common desire to share quality time, in a space protected from chatty screens and the distraction of the world hanging on the other end of the phone.

#### **3.3 Ritualize the purchase of digital tools**

The sooner these rituals of family disconnection are established, the more we can hope for their effectiveness in the medium and long term. However, it all starts with the initiation of children to ICTs, that is to say at the time of their first contact with the connected world and the world of screens, in particular when acquiring a personal communication device, such as a tablet, computer or phone for yourself. For now, it is as if, every year, millions of technological tools are given to children in the same way as ordinary games. But these technologies are not trivial. A lag often appears in this first contact with tools which, behind the appearance of being nothing more than simple objects, make you forget the extent of the skills necessary to use them intelligently. The rights that these tools give to children and adolescents cannot, however, be experienced without a reflection on the duties they imply de facto. Thus, the entry into the connected world, which occurs more and more often through the purchase of a tablet at a young age, is carried out in the continuity of the acquisition of multiple consumer objects. As with 9-year-old Wendy: "It was 2015, we celebrated Christmas, and my godfather told me that if I did not eat well, I would not get my present. So I forced myself, he gave me my gift".

If entry into the connected world was most often made by accessing a computer in your room and by acquiring a personal mobile phone a few years ago, today it is the tablet. Which becomes the symbol par excellence of a personalization of the relationship with the connected world. A tablet for yourself, or one that you use more than other family members, but the possibilities of which children do not always suspect. We can also wonder if the purchase of a tablet, a computer or a smartphone is always accompanied by advice on use or, at least, an invitation made by the adult to the child about the symbol of having a tool to facilitate a search for information and communication with many potential interlocutors.

In other words, in the absence of a ritual, the link between the child and the digital tool can become stronger in the register of emotion; if adult speech is absent, it thus leaves all the room to the authority of the experiences made by the child from which the adult is excluded. Hence the importance of ritualizing these moments when digital tools are given as other objects are acquired. Ritualize, which involves staging this gift in a way that signals the importance of the moment to the child. And to signify it again periodically. To make him aware, again, of the fact that he is entering a space and a time requiring a responsible attitude. This first, initial contact is fundamental. Because the absence of words or of a gesture giving meaning to the event can favor the exclusion of parents from this relationship that the child develops with technological tools and this, from the origins of the little story that takes place. Will weave between the child and the connected world.

#### **3.4 Clarify the temporal and spatial boundaries**

All the rituals take place in specific spaces and times. All disconnection rituals must therefore have a beginning and an end, which should be clarified in the eyes of its participants. Because the agreed time has run out or because a space is vacated, the right to connect legitimately belongs to each member of the family. Sometimes it is spatial delineations that clarify the boundaries of the ritual of disconnection: in this case, a room in the house becomes the sanctuary of silence. No screen or smartphone is tolerated at all times. If a family member comes into this room, they agree to leave their smartphone outside. Here, no computer, no television. No external solicitation comes to test those who find themselves there. But, in other situations, it is time boundaries that set the framework for the ritual. These are events, with a beginning and an end, that are essential: when visiting such and such

a person, during a trip by car or an afternoon at the swimming pool, the decision is made. to each give up their smartphone. During meal time, no one is calling or texting around the table, but once their hour is over, you may be able to bring your laptop back to work.

Of course, these collective rituals must not remove the limits imposed on children, for example at night in order to protect their time asleep. In fact, family disconnection rituals should not be confused with the intimate rituals that each family member is free to perform in his or her personal life. These intimate rituals of disconnection are times and spaces stripped of the presence of ICTs and screens at the initiative of the individual who benefits from them. It is therefore a personal gesture, a kind of self-discipline that manifests itself in the intimate ritual of disconnection. While setting limits in terms of the use of ICTs can certainly contribute in the medium term to the establishment of these intimate rituals by young people themselves, collective disconnection rituals also promote their appearance, but in a way "More positive". It is no longer the constraint that should be lived mainly, but the advantage of a common time that should be praised by everyone.

### **3.5 Accept the evolution of the connection pact**

Adherence to collective disconnection rituals is never permanent, and its evolution is to be considered, especially according to the age of the children. It is undoubtedly preferable to involve more and more, over time, adolescents in the establishment of new rituals. In other words, that they also become the actors clarifying the spatial and temporal boundaries of these. Because it is above all the way in which its participants will be brought to talk about these rituals, to push their boundaries, that makes sense, a way of discussing what is happening there, what we are trying to defend as a family.

The sustainability of disconnection rituals is possible if we consider that the main thing lies in the possibility offered by them to discuss together, as a family, about their meaning. One can imagine that family disconnection rituals persist for a long time in a definite form. But, at the same time, from childhood to adolescence, from adolescence to adulthood, the younger ones may force a renegotiation of the forms taken by these rituals. This should be seen as an opportunity to exchange views, an opportunity for speaking out, and never as unwelcome opposition. However, another concern may arise: since the family disconnection rituals are invitations to bring intimate disconnection rituals into one's life, the latter will risk coming into conflict with the parents' insistence on reactivating the bond despite the distance. This is why the effectiveness of family disconnection rituals goes hand in hand with the need, sooner or later, to change the connection pact that binds parents to their children.

Over time, parents will have to revisit the terms of this pact, this contract, which many of them are already doing elsewhere. But, by linking rituals of disconnection and the pact of connection, it is possible to seek the balance between accepting that children separate when physical spaces separate them and preserving quality time when they share together. Time. In other words, revisiting the terms of the Connection Pact does not mean abandoning family disconnection rituals. On the contrary, one can easily imagine parents who refrain from imposing on their young adults to reassure them permanently by calls or texts, but who, in the evening, insist that the telephones be switched off, time to rest. Reunite with family. Accepting the evolution of the connection pact can, however, provide adolescents or young adults with the feeling of an unprecedented but expected freedom, while encouraging them to take things into account: family disconnection rituals are not opposed. Not to this progressive access to the right to personal, partial and temporary

disconnection, when activities separate him from his parents. The quantity of small reassuring contacts then gives way, slowly but surely, to the quality of these great moments of family gathering.
